40 & Over

{Fibro fog = typos. If you find one, I’ll buy you a District Donut.}

At 37 (last baby was almost one), 38 (living with terrible pelvic pain), 39 (recovering from partial hysterectomy due to said pain), but by 40 I’ll be golden, I thought: healthy, finally losing the baby and illness weight, working part time as a lactation consultant and part time as a stay at home mom to Junebug (4) and Rosebud (6)…

Nope.

I ixnayed my 40th birthday lunch at Meril with my Husband (as Rosebud loves for me to call him) so we could stay home sans kids and read about the diagnosis that came earlier this year: fibromyalgia. How and why it came is for another post. A few days later I had to cancel my gal pal birthday brunch at my favorite restaurant, Coquette, due to extreme pain.

Over. 40 & Over. Sadly punny, eh?

I turned 40 and my life as I know it is over. Or, I’m literally 40+. My viewpoint depends on the day.

I have a shit ton of drive to feel as best as I can, and so much to live for (and they remind me every day, often quite loudly, or creatively, or lovingly, or in whiny voice), absolutely. But I’m still in shock re the emotional gear shift from, “After I recover from surgery I’ll be able to put this painful chapter behind me” to “I have a chronic disorder that causes pain, low energy but also sleep difficulties, and a foggy brain and my life will never be the same or what I’d hoped for it to become…”

So many song lyrics that date me went through my head as I thought of a name for this blog. Jennifer’s Body by Hole…that album is still so relevant. Tubthumping by Chumbawamba (“I get knocked down but I get up again you’re never gonna keep me down”). And because I’m a Mommy in every fiber of my upregulated, inflamed, high flight or flight response body, Anna Kendrick’s Get Back Up Again from Trolls. Her Cups/When I’m Gone from Pitch Perfect (which piggybacks on a folk song from the 1930s) is tremendously good, and it’s how I feel when I’m hopeful or have had a pain-free day (today yes to the former, no to the latter).

“I’ve got my ticket for the long way ‘round/The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers, it’s got sights to give you shivers/But it sure would be prettier with you”

40 years 3 months 2 days,

Jennifer

 

 

 

 

 

 

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